DISCLAIMER: this post is not meant for you to pity me or feel bad in any way.. this is just so I can get my thoughts and feelings out. It is a big topic that needs to be talked about and hopefully those who struggle with it can realize that they are not alone
I believe my anxiety started in high school and has slowly grown into what it is now. I was always afraid of not being liked, accepted or being alone which has carried into my adult life. I’ve recently gained a feeling of not being good enough and it’s only gotten worse since having Wyatt.
Let’s start with high school: My freshman year, I met 3 girls in choir and quickly became best friends. We ate lunch with each other everyday and it honestly was the highlight of my day. I felt like I was apart of something! As we went through high school we all started to drift apart and find different groups to be apart of. I wasn’t apart of sports and I quit choir, so I soon realized that I was an outcast when it came to our personalities and interests. Nothing in high school interested me, I was just going through the motions of day to day classes and homework. Each year it got worse, I never wanted to feel like I was alone but walking through the halls, that’s all I felt. High school did bring me to of my forever best friends kaylee and erica who are still a huge part of my life and I am so grateful for that!
Flash forward to having Wyatt: Joe and I always talked about having kids 3-4 years after we got married, so when I found out I was pregnant my first thought was that he would be upset and leave. I KNOW that he would never do that, but those are the type of thoughts that I constantly fight with. The 1st and 2nd trimester I felt fine! I was coming to grips with bringing a child into the world. Then the 3rd trimester hit and it was rough. I never thought I would experience anxiety like this. There were countless nights where I would sit in the bathroom and cry away from joe because I didn’t want him to be worried or see me like this. My emotions were already running high due to the hormones so this just made it worse. I would cry because I was so afraid that I wasn’t going to be good enough. I was worried that I would become a terrible wife and my relationship with joe would change. I was worried that I wouldn’t connect with Wyatt and be a terrible mom. Then after having him and going through everything we did with him, it really got bad. I kept thinking that I could have prevented this. I kept saying there has to be something I did while being pregnant that did this to him! The doctors kept telling me that there was nothing I could have done! But every time they said that I wouldn’t believe it. I couldn’t breastfeed him which made me more frustrated and began to think that I was a terrible mom again. I’m sure this was some part of post-partum depression.
So let’s get to how I’m feeling now.. still have those feelings of not being good enough, but every time I look in those COMPLETLEY HEALTHY baby blue eyes those thoughts disintegrate. He is my pride and joy and I cannot believe that I brought this miracle in to the world.
I have the most amazing support system, don’t get me wrong! Between joe, my family, and friends, they each have made it better when I feel myself slipping! But it is hard sometimes for someone who doesn’t struggle with anxiety or know what you are going through to say the right things. And it’s not that they are saying the wrong things, it’s just hard to connect when they don’t understand what you are going through. I realize that this probably just sounds like I’m rambling and there really is not end goal for me in dealing with this. I just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing and continue to grow from the experiences I came across. This was a really hard post for me to write because it’s not something I like to talk about but I needed to clear my mind and this is the best way I know how.